You know its funny, the way you get what you want if you want it bad enough, and it just isn’t quite what you bargained for. What’s really funny is all the things that I would do to make you smile. The smile that would make me feel this odd warm sensation; kind of like I am floating, you know, and then the moment your lips would peel back and I saw your smile, I’d forget that anyone or anything else existed. I could walk right into traffic if I saw you over there, cross the way, smiling at me the way you use to. Your smile is just a memory now, now that you’re gone. My world still stops when I picture it, my eye waters too, only the right one, the way it would when we watched videos of soldiers hugging their daughters. I sure do miss you. Valentines day is in another few weeks, that’s always when it hurts the most. Your birthday comes right after that you know. I’ve always said I remember the exact day, and time, I first saw you. It’s like that moment is crystalized in time forever. Its like I expected it to be till death do us part one day. You were always there, our bond growing stronger and stronger, and now you’re not… here. Remember our first kiss? That was long over due, you were so nervous, I knew it would be perfect. I would give up everything I own, my entire future, just to be back in that moment, the 20 seconds of our first kiss; I miss it. I miss the way you would pull away; it would suck the life out of me, my lips chasing yours. Maybe I should burry those memories, burry them in this letter, burry it with you, send it 6 feet under. You are my gift turned a curse. What if we just stayed friends? What if it all worked out with me and her, or you and them, who ever him might be. You’d still be alive in my life smiling the way you do, your black crinkly hair tossed on one side, your deep brown eyes looking over at me, your slick black eyebrows raises, your nose in your coffee. I always knew we were meant to be. I swore to my friends I would give up all my vices if you ever gave me a chance, and you finally did. After all that time you became mine, then I lost you…
Not to another, like I thought I knew I would; some mythical creature of a man, who would fulfill your every wish and dream. I knew he’d make you feel about him the way the way I did about you, he would pierce your soul with a stare I could never muster. And I would be happy for you, weighed down by a coming lifetime of emptiness that I would now have to endure. I would have found my comfort in knowing he could do everything for you I wish I could, the things I knew you deserved. Your joy would have been my strength, grateful that you were still in my life, not the way I intended but still there. That’s not how I lost you; It isn’t what stole the breath from our love. I still dream about you, they aren’t as vivid as before. We aren’t getting married, having some giant feast, with lamb on the skewer, exchanging of worry beads. I don’t picture our daughter anymore; she looked just like you, the two of you together, you cradling her in your arms, the single most beautiful thing I ever did see. My heart would split in two during those dreams. To think there was someone that I wanted to love just as much, give half of all the affection in my body to. The dreams are different these days; we’re back to back getting dressed till the next time I get to see you. I smirk; chuckle a bit, to think I gave you my heart, with nothing to show; Its gone, gone with you. Don’t worry about me, wherever you are. I’m stronger for it all now. It always works out that way doesn’t it? I was weak when I met you, you healed me, and then I lost you. Now here I am again, not quite walking yet, but I am crawling with good stride. I am kind of seeing someone else I guess. It’s not the same, I do not know if it will ever be. Some voids just can’t be filled. There was something pure, forbidden, whimsical about what we had, what it consisted of, how we couldn’t define it. After all, who could reach the pedestal I once kept you on? Perhaps I’ll learn to love again, I don’t want to learn, I want to lay eyes on someone and just know, the way I knew that I had to have you. If you could just lay with me again, we could listen to Johnny cash, it would be much easier to explain. I was there for the lonely nights, company you couldn’t keep. I leaned on you just as much as you did on me. I didn’t see it the way you did. I didn’t see it as a means to an end, wishful thinking it was praying that things would grow from what it was, to what I wanted. There is no one to blame, maybe just our humanity.
I’ve read stories stories of unrequited love; Damsels that couldn’t get out of their own way, I thought you were a damsel, that’s where the problem lays. I talked myself into believing I could be that mild mannered man turned your superman.
I wanted to open your eyes to realize this soul mate you desired could have been right in front of you. Maybe, just maybe, it would have hit you, how could you find me when I already found you.
Here I am, or would have been standing there, waiting for you to turn around. Alas reality kills; there is a picture of us on my dressing room mirror. I would lose myself in that picture of perfect things, you and I grinning from ear to ear. Then we reach a peak, and we set forth on this declining spiral. You still glow in that picture, I feel what I felt on the moment we took it, I still feel what I knew our feelings would have grown to be. I have seen you since, and I felt empty, a void, aware that we aren’t where we use to be, aware of the impending end. I have visited your grave site, this tomb stone I have carved in my mind, for the woman I always wanted that I couldn’t have, who maybe wanted me too but couldn’t let herself, couldn’t bring me him me home, couldn’t stuff me into this predetermined mold. Here lies the perfect woman, her lips I have touched, her finger has startled mines, my heart beat pulsating into her ear drums, her head on my chest, a smile on my heart. Here lies the image I once had of you. The image I held till I came to the realization that we would never grow; you loved the things I did for you, but you would love them more from someone else. I use to visualize in my minds eye how I would approach your father and ask for your hand. He would have felt my desire, seen me perspire, trembling at the thought of not having you. He would have felt the strength in my grip; he would have witnessed the determination in my eyes. But, I’m just an intermission, the man of the moment; this moment is over, I think I felt it before you did, I pretended just to hold on a little longer. I was an optimistic to mourner; your kiss never felt like it belong to me, I always found myself asking for it, as if each time was the last; you deny my request now, part of me always expected this. This was once a beautiful thing; you were a beautiful person, you still are in a way, not in an wicked which of the west kind of way, in a disappointed back tracking kind of way you are still good, you were always there. I play back all your faces, from the infancy of our innocence, the time you cried because you thought that you hurt me. I never got to see you then; I picture it nonetheless. Your distress sunk my emotions into a pit of empathy. I guess you still mean a lot to me. I miss the way I use to see you. Here you are in front of me, reading the language of my body, you still cant understand what you were to me till I buried what could have use to be, and accepted our reality.